Ramblings

I don't write on here much. And when I do it's normally in moments of unease or despair. I hear it's therapeutic, to get your words out in a place you can read them later and reflect. A place, like the internet, where you can lose the fear of judgement and hope that those who do stumble across it are supportive.

I fear that for a long time I've wondered what it means to be happy. We are always striving for happiness, for greatness, for perfection, for the meaning. But what is achievable? I look back and try to think when was I truly happy...

When I was a kid...kids are happy more often that not. I was no exception. But I had strict parents and often felt alone and lonely.

As a teenager...what teenager is happy? It's like the beginning og life as we know it begins as a teenager. Where every issue is a big issue. Where every hurt is the end of the world. I was a teenage girl who had rough relationship with her parents. 'Nuff said.

College...even college had its ups and downs. From finances to relationships (well one I guess) to changing majors to failed tests and friendships gone array and other dramas.

And as an adult...there are still financial worries, relationship worries, friendship worries, legal worries, work...and the list goes on and on.

They say our generation isn't able to cope. That's why we take all these medications. But generations before us had a reputation for drinking their problems away. Not a whole ton better. There are a lot of times where wine would make my worries go away, make the people I was with all the more exciting, help put aside any thoughts I didn't want to think/hear. I just want to have this one day of true bliss. Where I'm not calculating my credit card debt, my lack of retirement planning or home savings, whether or not my boyfriend is as into me sexually anymore or will he ever want to live together, whether or not I'm doing my job right...and what the hell is it that I really want to do with my life, oh and will I be approved for the new apartment so I can attempt to make my life a tad easier, even if it means moving to the city and losing so little of the serenity I have being so close to the woods.

I keep expecting things to go away and I will suddenly awaken happier, brighter, more in tune with myself and my mind. There are moments, brief moments of exultation. They tend to be before or after good sex or when I'm drunk. When the brain is...distracted. I want that giddyness all the time. That stay in the bed all day giggling and playing because there is not a care in the world. No complaints, no drama, no anxiety.

I'm so tired. Tired of everything weighing down on me. Tired of the headaches I get. Tired of the insecurity I feel in so many aspects of my life. I've been told its all in my hands. That I have to work on me and fix myself. Its very difficult. How do you wake up one morning and say, "Nope, today I will not worry because everything will go well," when it doesn't. AND to be able to define what that means...what would make me happy? A job that I love with no complications and all the money I could need? A boyfriend who can do all the things you wish he did, while staying the man you love?

I think back to counseling in college. About how our expecations shape our reactions to the world. So many people I saw moved to tears and disgust by a shooting today, including 18+ children at an elementary school and I think, this is sad. But I feel nothing. No despair, no emapthy, no movement. Just that there are sick people out there and these are things they do. But if I have to work the register for 10 minutes, I've angry and put off the rest of the evening. I'm tired of that me-focused reaction. But I think back to that therapy and think, why was I never taught how to handle things.

How does one handle disappointment? Confusion? Anxiety?