Ramblings

I don't write on here much. And when I do it's normally in moments of unease or despair. I hear it's therapeutic, to get your words out in a place you can read them later and reflect. A place, like the internet, where you can lose the fear of judgement and hope that those who do stumble across it are supportive.

I fear that for a long time I've wondered what it means to be happy. We are always striving for happiness, for greatness, for perfection, for the meaning. But what is achievable? I look back and try to think when was I truly happy...

When I was a kid...kids are happy more often that not. I was no exception. But I had strict parents and often felt alone and lonely.

As a teenager...what teenager is happy? It's like the beginning og life as we know it begins as a teenager. Where every issue is a big issue. Where every hurt is the end of the world. I was a teenage girl who had rough relationship with her parents. 'Nuff said.

College...even college had its ups and downs. From finances to relationships (well one I guess) to changing majors to failed tests and friendships gone array and other dramas.

And as an adult...there are still financial worries, relationship worries, friendship worries, legal worries, work...and the list goes on and on.

They say our generation isn't able to cope. That's why we take all these medications. But generations before us had a reputation for drinking their problems away. Not a whole ton better. There are a lot of times where wine would make my worries go away, make the people I was with all the more exciting, help put aside any thoughts I didn't want to think/hear. I just want to have this one day of true bliss. Where I'm not calculating my credit card debt, my lack of retirement planning or home savings, whether or not my boyfriend is as into me sexually anymore or will he ever want to live together, whether or not I'm doing my job right...and what the hell is it that I really want to do with my life, oh and will I be approved for the new apartment so I can attempt to make my life a tad easier, even if it means moving to the city and losing so little of the serenity I have being so close to the woods.

I keep expecting things to go away and I will suddenly awaken happier, brighter, more in tune with myself and my mind. There are moments, brief moments of exultation. They tend to be before or after good sex or when I'm drunk. When the brain is...distracted. I want that giddyness all the time. That stay in the bed all day giggling and playing because there is not a care in the world. No complaints, no drama, no anxiety.

I'm so tired. Tired of everything weighing down on me. Tired of the headaches I get. Tired of the insecurity I feel in so many aspects of my life. I've been told its all in my hands. That I have to work on me and fix myself. Its very difficult. How do you wake up one morning and say, "Nope, today I will not worry because everything will go well," when it doesn't. AND to be able to define what that means...what would make me happy? A job that I love with no complications and all the money I could need? A boyfriend who can do all the things you wish he did, while staying the man you love?

I think back to counseling in college. About how our expecations shape our reactions to the world. So many people I saw moved to tears and disgust by a shooting today, including 18+ children at an elementary school and I think, this is sad. But I feel nothing. No despair, no emapthy, no movement. Just that there are sick people out there and these are things they do. But if I have to work the register for 10 minutes, I've angry and put off the rest of the evening. I'm tired of that me-focused reaction. But I think back to that therapy and think, why was I never taught how to handle things.

How does one handle disappointment? Confusion? Anxiety?

What Am I Doing?!

Well per usual my blog posts are FAR and FEW between. I guess that's good since normally it's when I'm horribly upset...now I'm just frustrated.

So recap...

Am I still in love with my best friend...yup, but he's more a shitty friend now
Am I still sleeping with him...nah (my own making, wish i still was tho, lol)
Have I tried dating other guys...yup...epic fail
Did I stop spending so much...a little
Have I moved yet...SATURDAY!

Ok so that's the recap.

Ok, but seriously, what am I doing?

I get up, go to work, socialize/gym/watch tv/read, sleep. that's it. I mean I have a decent social schedule, two jobs, domesticness, and still a ton of pent up energy. What do I do with it? I have met people who love their job and I've met people who believe all work sucks so do what's tolerable and makes the best money. (Speaking of, anyone got any great opportunities for me?) I'm not even sure what I find interesting anymore.

I love reading...hence the part-time job at Barnes & Noble...but doesn't really ignite a fire within.

I love my sorority...but they don't exactly pay or need/want my free advice/constant bugging.

I love websites...but I'm not techy...and not in the "I'm too lazy to learn way" but in the "I like it for like 5 seconds" way.

I love hiking...will you pay me to hike?! I didn't think so. :(

I like bellydancing, but again it's fun, but not a passion.

I HATE dating. The men I like suck and the men who like me...I'm not attracted to. WHY?!

So...another night where I go to bed not thrilled with my life but successfully keep finding something in each day or week to enjoy. Just looking for that something that will get me off my butt in the morning excited to be doing what I am. Perhaps tomorrow will be my day.

So goodnight Internet (and GP since you're the only subscriber) :)

And My Usual

So it's been a long while...

As it always is in my journalng, I just abhor my writing. So it's Valentine's Day, the one day of the year where couples show off their feelings and the end the single people pretend they don't mind being single...or tell the whole world how much they do care.

Since the last update...I haven't stopped spending because I love to spend on my friends, I may not be ok with being alone yet, but that's probably because I'm pining over my closest friend...whome I'm sleeping with...go figure, and I'm still looking for that motivator.

Work in progress understatement!

I'm in a lull, or a funk as NN would call it. An entire life lacking intense satisfaction. I always want the grand excitement of life, the big laughs and smiles without alcohol. Where did it go? Where did I go? To have someone tell you they were glad your friend came and how great it was to see you genuinely happy, to stare at you strange because you are giggling and laughing loudly and being ridiculous.

I sometimes wonder if I'm so down because of a man...because that would be disheartening to my pride. But at times I can't help but think I've lost my way when I don't have "love" as my anchor in life. When nothing else ever really mattered adn you lose the one thing that did, learn to get over it, and long for someone new to matter, the other things still don't. But this is not how I wish to be. I want to be appreciated by a man that warms my heart and my bed, by a man who makes me smile by just being himself, who doesnt laugh at my interests. My Romeo as my friend so put it.

I'm already looking into teaching degrees and maybe helping a Girl Scout troop, potentially moving in a couple months...but all those will be a couple months...

Why won't he just be my Romeo now?

It's That Time of Year

So this is the time of year where we drink ourselves crazy in celebration of yet another year in our lives.

And make those damn resolutions. My momma is a blogger and I like her idea of goals. So.....


My goals for 2011 and why:

1. Pay off my debt (aka STOP USING THE DAMN CREDIT CARD!)
This one might be easier to figure out, lol, but if I want to go to Europe again, gonna have to happen.

2. Learn how to be alone...and not hate the world for it.
I have officially been single for the longest period of my life since I was 15, and it's only been 3 months and 26 days...not that I know. Who knew not having that someone who wants to hear about your mundane day and then screw only you silly was so hard? I sure as hell didn't.

3. Find that one thing that motivates me.
I have found that graduating college and going to work and being "an adult" isn't really all that exciting. I get up in the morning, head to the chiropracter, go to work, go to the gym, eat dinner, and sleep. Occassionally some TV/movie time is thrown in there, with an even less often dinner or movie with friends. Part of me wonders if this is because my friends live almost an hour away or if this is just how it is. Seems to be very similar to the life I used to criticize my parents for in high school. I don't think I was ever this tired in college, SOOOOOO I need that something that really gets me going. No more Phi Delta these days....

And not a goal or resolution, but I'm realizing how well I fit the description for my sign, so my horoscope today from Astrology.com

"Your creative energy is super-charged right now! Try your hand at art, dream up a sweet solution to something that has been bugging you lately or just show off a little when your friends come by."

I'm a typical Sag and I aboslutely LOVE it!